Looking around, it all looked the same.  The life I was living a year ago was very similar.   Same house, same work, same routines.
However, the life I was beginning to imagine I would have now, 6 months ago looked very different.  Over the moon excited but terrified of an impending chaos unlike anything we had ever experienced.  Gone would a life be where we were independent and could essentially do what we wanted when we wanted.  Our selfish phase was coming to an end.  And there was no regret.
But life doesn’t always go to plan.  Our dreams and wishes can come crashing down before we even have a chance to realise.  In a world where we think we control so much, the reality is that this is not the case.  And so, we faced a future that had, for now at least, gone back to looking the same.  Same house.  Same work.  Same routine.
But with it was the anger.  This was new.  Some days there was sadness.  Other days jealousy.  Some days I found acceptance.
It is a confusing feeling when you know that you feel a certain way, a way that is unfamiliar to anything you have felt before and yet you don’t want to feel that way.  And at the same time you don’t want to not feel it because then it wouldn’t be real.  And for all that is was, it was real.  And it was ours.  Then it was gone.
And so, one day while watching Bethenny Frankel on Real Housewives of New York, or RHONY as the true followers call it, she said that someone had once told her that it was important in life to always have something to look forward to.  My brain, desperate to pull myself out of this ‘same’ life, took this on like a sponge.  The planner in me went into overdrive.  Every spare day was booked with something to look forward to.  Something different.  Less of the same.
Holiday with friends, road trip, sneaky weekend away, new restaurants to try, wild days out, shopping trips, new projects, meeting friends.  If there wasn’t something fun in my calendar, I was hunting something down to add in.  To have something to look forward to.
Now, I don’t think this is actually a bad way to live.  And in fact spending more time doing these things has worked wonders.  A cheaper alternative to therapy and a welcome distraction (thanks everyone).  However, I had a sudden realisation one night when I was frustrated at my Husband for not having an opinion on how we should fill the next gap in our social calendar.
I was glaring at him with a grizzly face when he suddenly looked up from his phone, grinned sheepishly and threw his arms around me like a human blanket and said, “I don’t care what we do, as long as I get to spend time with you.”
I realised then that although I was running away from it all, the only important thing was that we were running together.  And as long as that remains the same, it will be okay. 

Repost September 2015

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